Hooray for the fair! (And I don't have to go.)

I have a confession to make.

I never really liked going to the Tuscarawas County Fair.

There. I said it – got it off my chest.

That’s not to say I don’t like the Tuscarawas County Fair because I know that if I said that, I probably would be shunned forever by native-born Tuscarawas County folks. Not liking “The Fair” is akin to treason in these parts.

I just never liked going to it. My kids, of course, thought the fair was the highlight of the year so I did my duty, traipsing through mud and straw and junk to “enjoy” the pigs, goats and cows.

And the carnival games. And the rides. And the junk food. And the tractor pulls.

Oh, boy.

My non-love affair with the Tuscarawas County Fair started many years ago when I got in line at the Grange lunch counter, finally being able to order a hamburger after a long wait.

“Can you put some cheese on that?” I asked.

“No,” replied the Grange lady. “We don’t have any cheese.”

In fact, if I remember correctly, there were few condiments available for that coveted Grange hamburger that everyone fawned over – maybe a little ketchup and mustard but nothing else. No onions, no pickles, no special sauce.

Big disappointment, Grange ladies.

With all due respect.

In a piece I wrote for the local daily newspaper, I told of my experience with the condiment-less burger. It wasn’t criticism actually. I just thought – in 9 1/2-point text forever laid down on brilliant white newsprint – that perhaps the next year the Grange ladies might offer cheese on the burger.

The Grange ladies and about a thousand or so of their supporters (it seemed like that) let me have it in no uncertain terms. I think it was one of the times I was chastised for “not being from around here.” I learned from that experience that I should keep my thoughts about “The Fair” pretty much to myself.

I was thinking about the piece while listening to WJER owner Gary Petricola relate during a “fair update” segment this week that he had interviewed 19 sets of fair kings and queens. God love him, I thought.  He’s a stronger man than I.

So, this is kind of a true confession moment for me. Being a kid from the city, the culture of “The Fair” was wasted on me. I just wasn’t into it.

As irony would have it, however, I am proud to announce that my 4-year-old grandson Brendan finished in third place in the (ahem) kiddie tractor pull contest at this year’s Geauga County Fair, qualifying him to compete in next year’s Ohio State Fair in Columbus.

He got his picture on the front page of the local newspaper. Grandpa is very proud.

So, there’s a distinct possibility I’ll be on the fair circuit next year, following my grandson (good gene pool obviously) in his quest for greatness on the kiddie tractor pull track.

And that ultimately might lead us to the Tuscarawas County Fair.

Bring it on. I’ll be there.

Dick Farrell writes this column weekly for the Bargain Hunter.

'Right here on our stage, the dean of rock and roll....'

The year was 1973, and the scene was at the Ed Sullivan Theater.

“Right here on our stage – you’re going to see them after we take a quick break – will be five young lads from Canton, Ohio, who have taken the music world by storm,” announced famed TV producer and variety show host Ed Sullivan.

Screams from teenage girls overwhelmed Sullivan’s stage microphones at that point. Sullivan waved both of his hands in a downward motion. He smiled broadly.

“OK, now, Brimstone will be right here on our stage right after a word from our sponsor and a performance by that incredible mouse, Topo Gigio…”

OK, I made all that up. Well, not Ed Sullivan, or Topo Gigio – they were real. Well, Sullivan was real and Topo Gigio was a real puppet.

But the part about Brimstone appearing on “The Ed Sullivan Show”?

I made that up.

And, hopefully, I got your attention.

Brimstone actually is a real rock band and is reuniting for a special show Oct. 12 at the Performing Arts Center at Kent-Tuscarawas. The band will open for Evolution, an Eric Clapton tribute band.

Brimstone and Evolution feature guitarist Chris Wintrip, but there is one special member of Brimstone whose talent might surprise the students who walk the halls of Kent-Tuscarawas.

Dean Gregg Andrews – and I make no apologies for admiring the work Andrews has done for the campus and community since his arrival here 15 years ago – was and is Brimstone’s vocalist.

So, shill I must.

Brimstone, which I had never heard of until a couple of years ago, apparently was a pretty good band.

“You were in a rock band?” I asked Andrews at the time.

“Yes, I was,” he said with a straight face.

Holy cow. Who would have believed that?

Andrews holds a doctorate degree and loves numbers and organization. He doesn’t remind me of Glen Frey or Don Henley, but what the heck.

The band, also comprised of Ken Miller, Jeff Miller and Dan Porter, played a lot of gigs in the Canton area and cut a critically acclaimed record – “Paper Winged Dreams” – before breaking up in the ’80s.

The album, by the way, has attained cult-like status in Europe. A copy of it was available earlier this week on eBay for $130.

According to the notes on the PAC’s website, Brimstone “evolved from a combination of several traditional rock bands. Brimstone's ‘Paper Winged Dreams’ is a unique progressive-art-rock work with influences from a wide range of musical genres.

“Brimstone’s ambitious effort focuses on ensemble collaboration, lyrical content and vocal harmonies resulting in a delicate, introspective outcome…

“They have been named Rock and Roll Hall of Fame honorees in the ‘My Town’ display.”

Perhaps the best thing about this upcoming Brimstone/Evolution night at the PAC is the price. Seats are $10 or $20.

But I think there’s a lesson here as well as a great night of music.

You don’t have to give up that “I want to be a rock star dream” no matter how old you are. Gregg Andrews, after all, is just south of Mick Jagger’s and Paul McCartney’s age.

And, surprise, so am I.

Ah, boomers. Those of us who’ve been around awhile should be encouraged by Brimstone’s upcoming concert. Heck, all of us can do other things.

 “The Dean” obviously is musically inclined and perhaps will be re-living something next month that he might have thought was long gone.

 “…A delicate, introspective outcome,” say the “liner” notes.

Cool.

I’ll be there, God willing.

Dick Farrell writes this column weekly for the Bargain Hunter.

Maybe they should have called them dumbphones

I was listening to a friend tell a story about a recent experience he had had when for some inexplicable reason I pulled out my smartphone and looked at it.

Immediately interrupting his own train of thought, he called me on my behavior.

 “Well, I can see you’re not listening,” he said.

OK, that’s embarrassing.

Actually, I was listening to his story, but pulling out my smartphone to look at something on it – such as the time – has become pretty much of a reflex for me. I don’t realize I’m doing it until someone mentions it.

A few hours later, an online piece posted by the New York Times caught my attention.

“Disruptions: More Connected But More Alone,” said the headline.

The piece, written by Nick Bilton, told of a YouTube video that showed in three minutes or so how our lives have become controlled by the smartphone, which we use to surf the Web, check text and email messages, take pictures and videos, order a cab, check airline flight schedules, and, yes, even use as a phone.

And when we do use it as a phone, we raise our voices in restaurants to levels so loud that patrons sitting 10 tables away know what we need at the grocery store (or some other innocuous detail of our lives).

Bilton’s story’s crux is that we seem to be missing out on life’s simple pleasures – such as face-to-face communication with people – because of the devices that most of us carry. In our quest to take a video of the sunset, we miss the sunset.

Let’s call it “The Plague Of The Smartphone,” which has infected all generations, including my own (despite our advancing ages). Let’s chill on blaming young people.

(Young people will tell you that old people are killing Facebook because, I guess, we’re pretty stupid about it.)

Anyway, I’m not going to throw away my smartphone. It’s too valuable a tool to do that. Mine has apps for GPS travel navigation and golf course yardages and is generally the neatest thing I own. Being able to Google a sports question and instantly obtain the answer is invaluable.

A friend of mine recently admitted that he didn’t have a smartphone and wasn’t planning on getting one. I felt sorry for him because he really doesn’t know what he’s missing.

But, alas, it’s time we come up with commandments for smartphone etiquette and vow to stick with them. I promise to obey them as well (really, I do):

–Thou shall not drive a car and use a smartphone (or any cell phone) at any time unless in an emergency or when utilizing that neat GPS app.

–Thou shall always have your smartphone in “quiet” or “vibrate” mode, especially in public places.

–Thou shall never pull a smartphone out of your pocket or purse while in the middle of a conversation with a live person.

–Thou shall wear a watch, so that looking at a smartphone is never really necessary. (Sigh.)

–Thou shall never take a picture of food served to you at a restaurant and then text the pic to friends or post it on Facebook.

–Thou shall never publicly share a smartphone picture or video of your dog, cat, gerbil or bunny under any circumstances. (I know I will get pushback on this one.)

–Thou shall talk in a normal tone of voice on your smartphone even if the person you’re talking to is in a different part of the country. (Trust me. He can hear you.)

–Thou shall never play with your smartphone in a house of worship under any circumstances. Taking pictures of a bride is permitted as long as proper decorum is observed. In other words, don’t be jumping into the aisle or asking the bride’s father to get out of the way.

–Thou shall not take videos of your kid’s soccer game unless you have enjoyed – sans smartphone – the experience of watching him play on at least five different occasions.

–Thou shall never place a live smartphone in front of you on the table during a meeting unless there is a reasonable explanation, i.e., “I’m waiting to see if I still have a job.”

–Thou shall never fire or discipline an employee via text, email or voicemail. This is a mortal offense if there ever was one and is punishable by death. (OK, I’m kidding. Kind of.)

Dick Farrell writes this column weekly for the Bargain Hunter.

Flunking the new batch of school report cards

Welcome back for another school year, dear teachers.

Along with the children who seem to be well-adjusted and ready to learn, please take those with special needs or cultural differences or from troubled homes – or all of the above – and turn them into kind, productive and intelligent members of our communities who will be poised to lead future generations.

By the way, you stink.

If that’s the message the Ohio Department of Education wanted to send to Ohio educators with the release last week of yet another revamped “report card,” it’s done a pretty good job.

Even districts that last year were deemed “excellent with distinction” are holding report cards dotted with “F’s.”

On top of that, a diminished print news media continues to give major play to the report card story, giving credibility to a process that really doesn’t make much sense.

The Cleveland Plain Dealer, in one of its printed weekday editions (which you can now count on one hand), screamed across the top of Page 1: “WHICH SCHOOLS MADE THE GRADE?”

I downloaded a few of the district and building report cards in hopes of some kind of analysis but immediately grew frustrated with the data. It lacks context. And without context it is meaningless. It’s poppycock. It’s bull.

I did come across a response to the new report cards by George Wood, superintendent of Federal Hocking Local Schools, who said the report cards lead us “down a dead-end road.”

“There is no evidence that the way the state reports on student achievement, or school performance, primarily by using standardized test scores, helps children learn or our teachers teach,” he wrote. “The ‘new’ report card simply continues this attempt to grade our schools with tools that are not up to the job.”

As Wood pointed out, Ohio’s public school districts have received little or no funding increases over the last few years. I’ll add that during the same time for-profit charter schools seem to enjoy ever-increasing ways to make their owners money, courtesy of a Legislature that is bent on giving the public schools competition.

So public schools, in efforts to make ends meet, are cutting all those plushy, cake jobs (please read sarcasm here), such as guidance counselors and specialized teachers, who used to help the lower and higher ends of the educational spectrum while encouraging and helping the middle to achieve educational success.

Now the state, in a gotchya minute, declares your district isn’t doing the job when it comes to the lower and higher ends.

Huh?

OK, if you’re within the sound of my voice, don’t worry, Mom and Dad. Your schools are good. Your kids, as long as they have your help, will get a good education. Most of your teachers are very dedicated. And our schools are turning out tomorrow’s physicians, engineers, accountants and leaders. There are numerous examples.

(Now, if we could just keep some of them here. But that’s a different subject for another time.)

Phooey on the report cards.

***

After another Lake Erie rescue attempt that ended with a fatality, a police officer was trying to offer some advice to would-be rescuers.

He was telling a television reporter that one needs adequate water skills to not only save the victim but also himself. Clearly he was trying to be diplomatic with his comments.

I think what he wanted to say was this:

“If you can’t swim, you aren’t doing anyone a favor. Stay out of the water, or you might die.”

A year ago, six Louisiana teenagers drowned while trying to conduct a water rescue. Not one could swim and their parents, who also could not swim, watched helplessly on the river bank. It was a needless tragedy.

So, Mom and Dad, not only should you assist in your child’s educational development (see above), you also should make sure he learns how to swim. After all, three-quarters of the Earth’s surface is covered by water, and there are swimming pools everywhere.

Dick Farrell writes this column weekly for the Bargain Hunter.

Back to school in the middle of the summer

It’s the middle of August, and the kids are back in school.

The middle of August used to be summer in Ohio. Now, it’s the start of fall. Remember when the kids went back to school after Labor Day?

Those were the good old days. But times change. Always have. Always will.

Our seasons are delineated by events and cultural earmarks, not necessarily the positions of the sun. Here’s how the seasons previously lined up in Ohio:

Summer – All of June, July and August and up to a week in September, ending on Labor Day. All schoolchildren returned to classes on Tuesday after Labor Day. In northeastern Ohio attention would turn to complaining about the Browns rather than the Indians.

Autumn – It started the Tuesday after Labor Day and ended on Thanksgiving. In addition to football, the “leaf rule” – no penalty stroke on golf balls obviously lost under fallen leaves – was put into effect.

Winter – This season always started the day after Thanksgiving with the early and fun period marked by the Christmas countdown in the paper. People shopped for gifts from Thanksgiving to Christmas. Christmas music would end promptly at midnight Dec. 25, replaced by Top 100 oldies countdowns, which would end promptly at midnight Jan. 1, replaced by at least two and a half months of freezing rain, snow, ice, clouds and general dreariness.

Spring – Ah, the season of rebirth would begin sometime in March when we would get a teaser day or two of temperatures in the 60s or 70s. Winter would return briefly during April and May, finally exiting Ohio on Memorial Day.

Here’s how the seasons stack up today:

Summer – With climate change, I think we can compress this season into one day: Fourth of July.

Post-summer – This is a new season marked by back-to-school sales. It runs until mid-August when school begins.

Autumn – Mid-August to Sept. 30.

Winter – Once again, climate change rears its ugly head. Oct. 1 starts the new winter, which lasts now until May 1.

Spring – The month of May.

***

Seriously, you old folks out there who think that schools ought to “go back to the basics” and the “good old days” don’t have a clue what’s asked of today’s students. They are tested and re-tested on material that includes developments that weren’t around when their parents and grandparents went to school.

And that’s one reason they have a longer school year. So be it.

Remember when you took naps in kindergarten? Well, many of today’s kindergartners attended some sort of pre-school and many already are proficient at navigating technology. Hand a typical 5-year-old an iPad, and he’ll ask what apps are on it.

And if you need an explanation of the last sentence, you might need some remedial instruction before being qualified to be the 5-year-old’s classmate.

According to Scholastic.com, here’s a portion of the skill set successful kindergartners will acquire:

–Recognize and write all of the letters of the alphabet in upper- and lowercase forms.

–Write his first and last name.

–Learn sounds corresponding to vowels and consonants.

–Use initial consonant sounds and sound patterns to read words.

–Identify several sight words, including names of colors.

–Recognize and use rhyming words.

–Retell a story including details.

–Put events of a story in order.

–Write simple sentences using sight words and phonics skills.

–Act on instruction and repeat spoken directions.

–Engage in question-and-answer dialogue with classmates and teachers.

–Work as a team on projects or problem-solving.

–Sort and classify objects using one or more attributes.

–Recognize and write numbers to 30.

–Count orally by ones, fives and 10s.

–Name ordinal numbers first through 10^th.

–Add and subtract using manipulatives (Cheerios, candy, etc.).

–Understand spatial relationships (top/bottom, near/far, ahead/behind).

–Compare quantities by estimating, weighing and measuring.

–Use graphs to gather information.

–Recognize patterns and shapes.

–Tell time to the nearest hour.

–Count coins.

–Recite the days of the week and months of the year.

And you wonder why now we have full-day kindergarten?

This isn’t your father’s world. Nor his kindergarten.

***

As we start this school year, I offer a toast of good luck to all of our educators, who seem to be perpetually undervalued for what they do, and for their students, who are learning in a changing and difficult world.

Cheers!

Dick Farrell writes this column weekly for the Bargain Hunter.